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This is an open letter..From the bottom of the globe ..Could you call me Mister Penguin .. Becuz I’m wearing my best clothes ..All my Penguin friends are also ..In their black and white tuxedoes ..We live where it’s sooo cold ..Even in summer ..there’s ice and snow ..I wish I had an overcoat
..Last night I nearly froze ..My other wish is for some shoes ..I’ve never had a pair of those..How can a gentleman feel well-dressed ..If the whole world can see his toes? ..My third wish is for furniture ..I’ve never ever sat or took a seat ..My forth wish is for a walking stick ..I could lean on that ,,at least ..My fifth wish is for a top hat ..So my wife could find me easily ..My sixth wish is for a carnation ..To make my formal look complete ..My last wish is for a Fairy Godmother ..To show up and grant my wishes ..For all us penguin fellas ..We’ll take like fifty Cinderellas ..Or other such good-lookin’ dishes ..Up north…Eskimo couples rub their nose ..But down South Pole way…we like real lip kisses ..I have our egg …on top my feet ..So a kiss is no threat to my misses ..She’s off for months …munchin’ a bunch for lunch ..Of nutritious fishes fishes fishes ..
Imagine tellin’ your wife ..You hope she comes back fat ..While you have nothing for months delicious ..When a fella has on his monkey suit ..He wants to have a ball ..Black and white is just right for men ..But our girls have on ..The same ole thing we wear ..and that’s all !..They need color to express their inner selves ..But there’s no clothes for sale ..on our ice shelves ..
And it’s a thousand miles ..at least..to the East Tierra del Fuego Mall ..There’s too much decorum in our forum ..If you can believe it ..Our quorum suffers from total boredom ..Some high fashion would relieve it ..So when she comes to call ..Could Fairy Godmother be a doll
And bring about a thousand ..Woolen stocking caps ..And matching non-scratching shawls?..
Penguin women all have cold shoulders ..A good day here …is just one squall ..So who can blame our wives for being frigid ..If their fluid drive has stalled ..We’ve never had a chance to dance ..Or even stand …where the cold wind can’t ..We have all this room in Antarctica ..But ..not ..one whoppin’ ..wind-stoppin’ ..wall ..We Penguins appear to be ..At a well-attended party
..Where no one seems to be that relaxed ..Is it becuz no one has an icebreaker? ..Or they’re afraid …you’ll mention …they’re fat? ..No. How can you have a happy chat ..And yak and yak ..
If everyone is standing ..belly to back ? ..I’m just glad Penguins don’t wear backpacks ..So we’re not rude ..We’re just keepin’ warm ..We’re in the nude …and below zero ..is our norm ..
We’ve gotta be the most boring ..Of all the frozen stiff life forms ..Our knees would be knocking ..if we had ’em ..When we huddle ..it’s not like we cuddle ..Cuz we don’t know Eve from Adam .I just say ..” ‘Scuse me …sir ..or madam ..As I shove my front bumper at ‘um ..Our society has just two stratum ..Those in the warm center ..Who seem to stay way past their tenure ..And those on the outside ..About to pitch a temperature tantrum ..This global warming thing is a two-sided coin ..The less we’re cold…the more it’s showing ..Our homeland is melting and flowing and goin’ ..No one seems to care ..for a fat flightless bird ..on a melting iceberg ..We need the polar bears ..or the baby seals ..p.r. firm ..We don’t move so good..I’m a pile of stored fat ..I couldn’t take a bow ..Or join in ..in a fight ..if a row broke out somehow ..More helpless than turtles ..When we’re on our back ..If you’re not well-liked in Penguinville ..They leave you belly-up …and that’s that ..You can’t lend a hand ..With a wing-thing…right? ..We penguins are just bowling pins ..And the cold wind …wants a strike !..I’ve worn a tuxedo all my life ..And never been to anything formal ..I’ve never been anywhere WITH my wife ..Now tell me…Is THAT normal? ..We’d gladly pay a sitter ..But I don’t have a wallet ..or a pocket .My wife and I worked all our lives ..But The South Pole is non-profit ..She’d like to go to market ..She’s heard of this thing ..Non-polar women ..called “carpet” ..She says half an acre …on our glacier ..Would really really rock it !..I’d rather have an electric space heater ..But Argentina is the closest socket ..”It’s not the end of the world” ..Some may say ..”If a penguin’s wish ..Does not become an actual fact.” ..But if you came to Antarctica ..You’d see ..the end of the world ..Is exactly where we’re at !..Mister President ..Please load those fat planes ..The C one fifties ..the pentagon built for war ..With a government surplus celebration ..Cuz we’re just that desperate and bored ..You humans ..you bring tons of cameras and gear here ..But no champagne or streamers ..To make a movie ’bout birds ..Who are obviously dressed …for New Year’s ..But before you say ..”So what?” ..Let me be clear ..The Chinese have offered us ..Fire-crackers and beer ..The Russians caviar ..The French livery pâté’ ..But we could really use a Ford one fifty ..And ..oh yah ..a Segue’ ..Forty-four snowboards ..And from your friends the English ..two Beamers ..If America wants to win us guys ..From all the world’s schemers ..Start droppin’ mana from the skies ..
And not just beans and wieners ..We want ..what we’ve seen you’ve done ..For those screamers ..the lemurs ..Just becuz we never lay down ..Doesn’t mean we penguins aren’t dreamers ..And for our morning after jolt to bolt ..Can Starbucks send five hundred coffees ..With sardine-flavored creamers ? ..And a dozen raw oysters ..We can’t get down here ..I think you call um steamers.