Outside the White House ..on the White House front lawn ..lies a body of water ..called the White House frog pond ..and there congregate ..on idea logs ..a congress of old toads and younger frogs ..that represent this nation’s tadpoles and pollywogs ..and their leader is chosen once each fourth year ..just the same ..following the first full moon ..and the second hard rain ..by a kinda fair election of sorts ..overseen by this Supreme ..Frog and Toad Court ..appointed for life ..of older amphibia ..and their younger wives. ..And tonight this contest is being brought to you ..on double-u ..A ..aR ..Tee ..by Preparation Double-U ..for the removal of warts ..and now Frank ..back to you. Thanks Bob ..Yes ..here we are at pondside ..as the contestants warm up ..for the Forty-forth quad-annual Residential Burp-Up ..There are frogs from the midwest ..and toads from the coast ..there are big ones and small ones ..but there’s big ones the most ..for the way to win this bellicose contest ..is to BURP ..really LOUD ..and never make sense ..For it’s a pool-litical tradition ..ignored only by fools ..in D.C. never really say nothin’ ..just burp ..it’s the rules. Unlike the human run for the White House lame game ..you can’t BUY this contest ..but the press questions are ’bout the same ..as you’ve probably guessed ..”How many WARTS do you have ? How DEEP is your chest ? ..What’s your wife really like ?” ..”Where DID she get THAT dress ?” ..There’s no hanging chads ..or boxes to check ..But as usual ..in this gossip crucible ..there’s plenty of two-faced weasels and back-biting snakes ..but unlike the grub thugs infesting Watergate ..when we catch worms trying to plant bugs ..we eat ‘um both as hors d’oeuvres ..Of course they have bad taste ..and at the risk of sounding terse ..here in soggy bottom ..we’ve all eaten worse. “Come in Bob, the news bot ..tell us ..whataya got?” “Now that it’s stopped raining Frank ..and the full moon just rose ..up from the pond bottom ..come some frogs and toads in nice clothes. But down from Manhattan ..comin’ cummerbundin’ right at ‘um ..is the most well-tailored and tuxedoed of those toads. Yes ..now condescending onto our little bombastic bash ..is He ..who just can’t stand without talkin’ trash ..He ..for whom they coined the term “loom” ..His presence Broadcasting to ALL contenders ..their Impending doom. He ..who self-grooms ..his drought-ridden plumes ..those dying blooms of the war baby booms. With hair like a broom ..from the back room ..of a bar in Khartoum ..He ..who the crowd is now ..giving ample elbow room ..then breathing room ..head room ..operating room ..class room ..control room ..lecture room ..dressing down room ..his cutting room ..ball room ..tool room ..courtroom ..at da Boom Boom VIP Room ..unveils his towering Trump toad frame ..on the cold-blooded world stage ..like a chef presents his signature dish ..or a developer points to his landmark skyscraper just finished ..so did Teeeeeeer-rump ..as if ..enjoying a neighborhood pub Guinness ..folksily settles in and asks ..”Any whom ..How is this Burp-off going to work ? Becuz when I ..the great Teeeeeeer-rump the Gold Toad inhales ..won’t I take up ALL the air in the room ?” “You’re NOT first !” Cruz Toad announced ..as he cruised onto the stage. Teeeeeeer-rump the bully-frog doesn’t squat for that ..and steals back the show mo, “You’re a foreigner ..strike one. You’re not a toad ..you’re a snake ..strike two. Nobody in the Toad Party likes you ..strike three. You’re a Canadian ..strike four.” Cruz the Canadian Snake retaliates, “It’s not a popularity contest Bristlehead. It’s about coming up with a popular note ..that resonates with the crowd ..not just being loud.” Up Teeeeeeer-rump jumps, “O.k. girls and boys ..how about we throw Cousin Cruz Toad back into the pond to see if he can even make ripples there?” Seeing ..then seizing his opening ..Bernie Toad hops up on stage ..but before he can open his moth-eating mouth ..Teeeeeeer-rump inter-rumpts ..”And you’re not a registered frog ..or toad. You’re a salamander ..which is a snake ..with little legs ..And you’re a communist. I saw you Socializing ..all around the young ones.” Sanders the Salamander cajoles, “You’re jealous becuz I’m leading in the latest tad pole.” Carly ..a front-loaded printer Toad asks, “Is anyone challenging MY qualifications as a toad ?” “No Carly. Everyone is in agreement. You’re definitely ..a TOAD,” Teeeeeeer-rump goads. Bill Clinton an Arkansas social climber Frog stopped his hobnobbing long enuf to inquire, “What about my wife. When will she croak ?” “You tell us.” Gingrich ..the loudmouthed newt ..called out ..before Teeeeeeer-rump could swing at that soft-ball. “You should compete again Newt. You’re funny.” “It’s not about jokes ..Donald. It’s about decibels and harmony.” Bill the Cosby-colored bed-hopper Toad interjected himself, “I got pretty far with funny in my day..” “Your days are over ..you pond scum, Carly Toad up and up-staged every male tail-nailer to say. “Take your poisonous mucus and slime punch ..and slide away.” “Bummer,” Cosby the Pond Scum mumbled, “I heard this Burp-up was open to all comers.” “Teeeeeeer-rump stumped, ” I plan to shoot first ..and answer questions later ..when I assume the Residency and have been debriefed.” Sanders the Socialist Salamander shot back, “Well ..I support the second amendment and I’m going to stick to my guns and I assume the Residency also ..and I wouldn’t ever be caught de-briefed.” Teeeeeeer-rump ambushed him, “Toads who know you ..say you have a hair-trigger temper ..and they seemed like straight-shooters to me.” Sanders asking for candor bantered, “Are you trying to ingratiate yourself with the NRA by talkin’ all this gun talk ?” Teeeeeeer-rump quipped “Haven’t I always ..shot from the hip ?” Frank the Reporter retorted, “Our experience is that you shoot from the lip ..Donald. Look how you picked on Jeb ..calling him low energy.” Teeeeeeer-rump jumped, “And Jeb gets over THAT hurdle ..by getting a pocketful of turtles ..the race cars of the animal world..the speed bumps on the road to the Residency ..I take back my “low energy” comment as Jeb’s appraisee ..and trade it in for “stupid” ..”lazy” ..and “crazy.” Frank the Reporter chortles ..then begins to ask, “Aren’t you afraid the media..” Teeeeeeer-rump grumps, ” Hell no ! ..I’m not afraid of the media. We toads are used to being dissected and run over. I don’t know why we’re even having a contest that’s obviously over and done. Haven’t I already won? In fact ..I remember seeing a crowd,” Teeeeeeer-rump mused tearing up. “There were thousands ..cheering Trump !” Cruz the Snake recoils, “A crowd ? Listen my two little girl toads dry out quickly ..so could we keep them OUT of the spotlight ? Pleeeze.” Teeeeeeer-rump dumps, “You’re about ..to be out ..of the spotlight Ted ..whether it pleeezes you or not. Just tell your daughters to stand by their daddy. They’ll be safe in the shadows there.” Cruz the Snake quakes, “Your numbers are inflated !! In fact ..you’re inflated !!” ..”I’m inflated ? ..Have you seen Christie around?” ..”No one can see ..when Christie’s around,” Frank the Reporter quips ..from his hip lip. “Christie’s not here. His staff didn’t tell him about it ..again,” Bob the Capitol Snob remarks. “His staff says their candidate looks better ..if you keep him in the dark.” “Speaking of keeping someone in the dark ..where’s Carson ?” “He just found out that ..as a toad ..he has the power to change colors ..so he’s home with his wife looking at swatches,” Frank the Reporter reported AND had a follow-up, “Mr. Teeeeeeer-rump, were you afraid of Christie ?” “Yes. I was afraid Christie would eat some of my competitors. He calls them candy-dates.” ..”And that’s bad how ?” .. “I wanted to eat ‘um ALL. I wanted to chew ‘um up and spit ‘um out ..like I do reporters. I had some of my opponents skewered ..you know. Then when I fired ‘um ..I had a shish-ka-Jeb ..in a Kasich sauce.” Bill Clinton Toad twanged pissed, “Can we get on with this ? My wife has been exercising her mouth around the house for some time now ..to get in shape for this competition ..and she has a much more full-bodied resonant horn going now.” “And that’s good how ?” Bob prodded ..doing his snob job. “Well we’re not going to give your wife the Residency ..just becuz she has a large oval orifice ..or wears the pants suit in the family ..or is a newly resonantly horny toad.” ..Newt rebukes Bill ..old kook to old kook. “I don’t know why you wait on her foot and foot anyway ..she has her own servers.” ..”Becuz ..like all grandparent toadesses,” Old Willie Toad confesses, “if you don’t handle her carefully ..like all senior Capitol staff ..she’ll leak. And that ruins dresses.” ..”That’s disgusting,” Teeeeeeer-rump redresses, “I don’t know why the Frog Party ever thought that a warped arrow like her ..was the best in their quiver ..or that a female ..post menopause .. COULD deliver.” ..”And that matters why? Becuz here in Washington ..the top players eat their young like frogs and toads anyway,” Snob Bob poignantly jokes. “Are those ..your final quips and quotes?” Frank yanks Bob’s crank. “No. I’d like the listeners to take one further note. With the world getting warmer ..and the ice getting thin ..Weren’t our Amphibious Forefroggers so wise to conceive of a population that swims?” So on THAT aquaticly reproductive note ..this is Frank and Bob signing off ..from all of this frog pomp. Remember .. Kermit fan club members ..as the frog pond goes ..so goes the whole swamp.